Fear
by marxistqueens
Summary: Chikane reminisces over her past lives with Himeko as the pair prepare for another fulfillment of their fate.


**Disclaimer: I do not own _Kannazuki no Miko _or any involved characters. **

**This one is very dear to my heart; Chikane/Himeko is my favourite pairing of all time and I've put a lot of work into this piece. This is a gift for my best friend, who shares my love for this pairing. As always, thanks to **artigiano **for betaing and generally being the best person ever. **

_

* * *

When we were children we'd play  
__Out in the streets dipped in fate  
__When we were children we'd say  
__That we didn't know the meaning of  
__Fear.  
_"Fear" - OneRepublic

Himeko had been so tiny when they'd met for the very first time.

She could remember it as clearly as yesterday. One would think, with as many lives as they'd had together, Chikane would have forgotten that moment, but every time she recovered her memory in her next life, that was the first moment that came to her. Himeko, with her sunshine hair, skipping along in a garden of roses - how was it they always met in a garden? - and then falling down, crying as she was pricked by thorns. Chikane had seen her, and watched, fascinated, as the girl helplessly tried to pry herself away from the stickers that had grabbed onto her clothing and her hair. The blonde struggled and strained, and quickly, her hands were wet with blood.

Chikane rose from her position and set down her book and walked calmly over to the girl. "Here," she had said. "Let me help." They couldn't have been more than four or five years of age, but even then, Chikane had a strange feeling about the girl as she gently untangled Himeko's hair from the brambles. Once she was free, Himeko had turned around and blushed.

"Thank you," she had said shyly, her purple eyes cast towards the ground.

Chikane nodded. "You should be more careful. What's your name?"

"Himeko," the girl had responded brightly, strangely giving her first name. "What's yours?"

"Himemiya Chikane," Chikane had replied slowly and properly.

"Chikane," Himeko repeated in a whisper, as if in wonder. "I like that name."

Smiling in spite of herself, Chikane took Himeko's smaller hand and wiped the blood upon her own skirt. "Let's go find your mother. Maybe she will have a bandage."

Suddenly, Himeko seemed afraid. She clung to Chikane's arm and shook her head violently. "No, no!" she said urgently. "I need to stay with you."

To her child's mind, it had seemed infinitely logical that they should never be apart. Usually a serious and withdrawn child, Chikane felt strangely attached to Himeko already. They vowed and then to never be apart, never to leave each other, and to be the best of friends until the very end of time itself.

How quickly a child's dream is dashed.

* * *

She doesn't remember, thankfully, which of them died first. She doesn't recall her first time in the shrine, how long it was, or how it happened. Sometimes, she wakes up in a cold sweat with some half-remembered dream about strangling Himeko in a last attempt to fulfil their fate and the feeling of Himeko's breathing labouring and - but then she is awake and Himeko is there, soothing her, holding her shaking and cold body and whispering in her ear that _shhh, it's all right. _And Chikane clings to her, trying to forget that soon again, their time will come and soon again, one of them will have to live without the other.

At times, she's almost able to forget. When Himeko takes pictures of them together, when they cook together in their tiny kitchen in their tiny flat, when they kissed hard with thunderstorms raging outside, it seemed to be the furthest thing from her mind. But every night before they went to sleep, Chikane checked for a dark moon outside their window and knew that every second that passed would be another second sooner to the moment it would happen.

It was strange, she thought. She was always perceived to be the stronger one, the regal, elegant one with the power and calm. In reality, it was Himeko who had the strength. Himeko, whose eternal optimism and sunny disposition chased the clouds away; Himeko, whose hope and faith that they would yet meet again kept her going. It was Himeko who soothed her raging feelings often, not the other way around.

"Don't worry," the other woman would often tell her. "We will fall in love all over again."

* * *

The black moon appeared on their twenty-second birthday.

In this life, they had known each other since they were children, so at least they had gotten more time together-at least that's what Chikane told herself to keep the floodgates closed. Twenty long years in each other's company was more than they usually got; sometimes it was as much as fifteen years, other times as short as a few weeks. In some lives, they fell in love immediately; in others, it wasn't until the very end that they admitted their feelings for one another. But something always remained: no matter how short the time, they were connected in a way that nobody else could ever fathom.

"The moon appeared today," Chikane commented casually while she made Himeko breakfast. "On my back."

Himeko sighed. "My sun, too. Have you looked outside?"

"No, why? Have you?"

Shaking her head, Himeko said, "I guess one of us should."

They went together to the window and Chikane slowly lifted up the curtain. The sky was a deep purple and in the centre of it, far on the horizon, was a large, black orb, ringed in fire. The streets below were filled with panic; people running from the gathering darkness, ducking under awnings as a heavy, black rain began to fall. The two women stood, surveying the scene each with a mixture of determination and resignation.

"I was starting to believe that it would never come," Chikane said quietly. Himeko nodded, her eyes still fixed flatly on the scene below. Chikane watched her emotionless face, saw as her eyes as darted up to the moon and then finally, to Chikane.

"I'm scared," Himeko said, always better at readily admitting to her emotions. Chikane was frightened too, but she'd never say that, not even to Himeko. But Himeko knew, and took Chikane's hand and began leading her from the window.

"Well," Himeko said, suddenly bright. "I think we should just make the most of the time we have!"

Chikane moved to glance back at the window, which was now covered with the curtain, but she felt Himeko's hand on her face, gently turning her head back towards the smiling girl's face. Smoothly, Himeko rose on her tip toes and placed a chaste kiss on Chikane's cheek, and then one on the corner of her lips. Chikane smiled in spite of her raging emotions; Himeko knew exactly how to distract her. Himeko wrapped her slender arms around Chikane's waist and drew her closer, kissing her collarbones, her neck, her earlobes. She slowly began unbuttoning Chikane's shirt and slipped it gently off her shoulders, letting it hang from the taller woman's wrists. Her slender fingers traced up Chikane's back, up to between her shoulder blades, where the lunar symbol lie. Her fingers outlined it slowly from memory as she kissed Chikane, more deeply this time.

"Come on," Himeko breathed against Chikane's ear, getting the intended reaction out of her as she shivered at the sensation. "Let's think about something else for awhile."

* * *

Chikane lay on her back with Himeko on her chest amongst the rumpled sheets. Her sweat had begun to cool and goosebumps spread out across her skin. She drew Himeko closer, who mumbled in her half-awake state her pleasure about being closer to Chikane, but Chikane didn't smile.

"What's wrong, Chikane?" Himeko asked sleepily, sensing that something was wrong. Chikane didn't answer.

Himeko sat up, curling her legs against her chest and hugging them to her. "Please, talk to me." Her face fell as Chikane ignored her request and turned her head away from Himeko's desperate face and instead towards the wall. Himeko tried harder. "_Please? _Don't be distant with me, not when… we have so little time left."

"Whose turn is it?" Chikane asked abruptly, not turning her head and choosing instead to stare at the wall.

"What do you mean?"

Chikane sighed. "You know, who murders who."

Himeko, with surprising forced, grabbed Chikane's shoulders and flipped her over on her side so that she had no choice but to face her. "No," Himeko stated. "No, we are not talking about that right now."

Chikane disengaged Himeko's hands from her body. "Why not? We have to talk about it sometime. Right now is as good of time as any. Are you going to kill me or - "

"_Stop it!" _Himeko cried as she burst into tears. "Just stop it, stop it, stop it! I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to _think _about it. I don't know whose turn it is and it doesn't really matter because either way one of us has to _die _and one of us has to be without the other and I don't want to think about it until it's absolutely necessary. So just stop!"

Chikane's eyes were wide. She loved Himeko more than anything, but her emotional outbursts often scared Chikane, especially when she was the one who caused them. She envied Himeko for her ability to so readily express her feelings. Timidly, she reached out a hands and wiped away a tear that had travelled down to Himeko's chin. "I'm sorry," she whispered.

"It's okay," Himeko responded, sniffing tearfully. She moved to lying on her back and looked up at the ceiling, tears still running out of the corners of her eyes and down her cheekbones. Gently, Chikane traced the solar sign between Himeko's breasts before lying down next to her and clinging to her arm.

"I'm going to miss you, Chikane," Himeko said quietly. "I'm going to miss you so badly."

* * *

Though Himeko didn't want to talk about it, Chikane knew whose turn it was to die: hers. Sometimes, it was hard to remember things that had happened in past lives; she couldn't always grasp onto the ephemeral details that had passed so quickly, and time had a way of running together. But somehow, she knew that Himeko would have to kill her.

Despite what some might think - if they knew about their fate - Chikane was not afraid to die. She'd died many times before, and the physical pain was short. The other pain, a pain deeper than any sword could ever reach, lasted centuries. That, not death itself, had permanently scarred her.

But she knew the pain of killing Himeko. She had done it before and those details never escaped her; the weight of the sword in her hand, the horrible feeling of flesh meeting metal, the sight of Himeko falling to the ground, blood staining her clothing. No matter how many times fate forced her to destroy the person she loved most, no matter how often she assuaged her mind with the knowledge that they'd meet again, it never got easier to heft the sword and walked towards Himeko with heavy steps and know what she must do.

Several times, through several lifetimes, she had tried to make Himeko hate her, so that Himeko would feel no sadness over her death. Another, she had ripped from Himeko something that should only be given freely, to ensure that Himeko would not have to die. But after time and time of living, Chikane had learned one thing: the way to cause Himeko the least amount of pain was to kill her. The way to protect her was to ensure that Chikane, not Himeko, was te one left alive.

One would think that they would fight over who had to die and who would have the opportunity to live. In reality, they argued over who _got _to die, and the one who _had _to kill. To them, it was far worse to cause the pain than be in the pain.

"It's my turn," Chikane whispered to Himeko late that night as they were going to sleep. The black moon cast no light into their room, and in the darkness, she could barely make out the curve of Himeko's shoulder as it sloped down into her tiny waist. On a whim, she reached out and ran her finger along Himeko's spine, feeling each of the vertebrae there. Himeko turned over and smiled at her touch.

"What did you say?" she asked, her voice thick with sleepiness.

Chikane smiled. "Just that I love you - nothing important. Go to sleep, sunshine."

Himeko wrapped her arms around Chikane's neck and pulled her down for a kiss. "Goodnight," she murmured.

That night, Chikane did not sleep.

* * *

The world was in turmoil, and it would be a lie to say that Chikane and Himeko had all the time in the world to enjoy each other's company. While in this life, it wasn't necessary for them to train to open the shrine, the Orochi did come and try to kill one or both of them to in order to stop their own demise. After the practise they'd had over the centuries, especially as they worked in tandem, the Orochi emissaries were defeated easily.

Now, it was only a matter of _when, _not so much a matter of _how. _For the world, it was the sooner, the better. For Chikane and Himeko, they wanted to wait as long as humanly possible. Chikane wanted an endless life of mornings waken up in tangled sheets with Himeko by her side, endless nights of staying up late, afternoons filled with parks and surprise lovemaking and walks through the city. But what one wanted out of life and what one got were very often two entirely different things, and nobody knew that better than the two women whose lives were so often cut so short.

For once, just for once, Chikane wanted the things that could not come to her. To get married to Himeko and have the opportunity to have a wedding. To see Himeko pregnant with their child. To be allowed to grow old with Himeko and see the beauty of the lines around her purple eyes, the elegance of grey touching her blonde hair. Most people feared getting older and longed for perpetual youth, but for somebody who had spent the eternity between the ages of sixteen and twenty-five, growing old and slowly decaying towards a natural death seemed the most romantic, brilliant concept. Maybe, if whatever god there was took pity on them, they would get to experience that.

Perhaps. How often they lived on that word - _perhaps._

* * *

"I have to kill you, don't I?" said Himeko over dinner. Her voice was flat and emotionless, and she picked uselessly at her noodles, stirring them around and arranging them in triangles. Chikane turned, her arms soapy up to the elbow from washing the dishes - even in the face of total cataclysm, life went on - and shook her hair out of her face.

"I thought you didn't want to talk about it," she replied airily.

"I don't," Himeko admitted, finally setting down her fork. "But I _have _been thinking about it, and it's my turn, isn't it?"

Chikane didn't respond and went back to the dishes.

"Please don't withdraw, Chikane," Himeko demanded tiredly. "This isn't the time."

Sighing, Chikane again removed her hands from the water and wiped them off. She walked toward the kitchen table, pulled out a chair and sat down opposite Himeko and looked her in the eye squarely. "Yes," she said. "It's your turn."

Himeko smiled sadly. "I knew it. I'm glad, Chikane-chan - I'm glad because it means you can die and you won't have to hurt me." But despite her words, Chikane knew she was anything but glad. Yes, Himeko was selfless, but she wanted the situation to be different as much as Chikane did. She too, Chikane knew, had fantasies of the life they could live if this poisonous cloud wasn't hanging over them. They often talked about it, the things they would do if they were able.

"We don't have to stick to the schedule, you know," Chikane offered. "I could - "

"No." Himeko shook her head violently. "No, I told you. I'm glad!"

Chikane smiled sadly. "I don't believe you."

"Trust me. I know the pain, and I would rather go through it a thousand times than have you be the one to have to do it. I don't want to see my Moon cry over me."

Himeko rose and like a child, climbed carefully into Chikane's lap and lay her head in the space between Chikane's neck and shoulder. Chikane held her close and rocked her back and forth, resting her lips softly against Himeko's warm head and kissing her as a mother, a sister and a lover.

"Do you think things will ever change?" Himeko sounded like they were ten years old again.

"Perhaps," Chikane replied, a plan already forming in her head. "Perhaps."

"I'm not feeling well," Himeko said suddenly rising. "I'm going to lie down…"

Chikane nodded. "Okay. I'll come in as soon as I finish the dishes."

Himeko turned to leave, and then on a second thought, rushed back to Chikane and grabbed her face in her hands and kissed her as if she'd never see her again. Her lips were warm and swollen and she sucked on Chikane's bottom lip, her gentle hand's tearing at the back of Chikane's shirt. Chikane stood and pressed Himeko against the opposite wall, who lifted herself up and wrapped her legs around the dark-haired woman. She ripped open Himeko's blouse, sending buttons scattering across the floor, and kissed hungrily down her soft neck. Her mouth hovered above the sun insignia on her chest, and then lightly, she bit it, making Himeko startle and then moan in her arms.

"Chikane," Himeko whispered breathlessly, as Chikane slowly lowered Himeko to the floor and knelt on all fours above her, letting her long, black hair hang around Himeko's face like a shield, protecting her from everything outside their cocoon.

"I love you, Himeko," Chikane whispered in her ear. "No matter what happens, you have to know that."

Himeko smiled, and Chikane was so struck by its resplendence that she had to fight back tears. "No matter what happens, Chikane-chan. I know that."

As they made love on the kitchen floor, Chikane was able to forget her plan and escape, for awhile, the deed that awaited her. It was only after Himeko fell back on the floor panting, eyes closed and a satisfied smile on her face, did reality come crashing through Chikane's heart and shake her. She curled up next to the blonde and lay her head on her heaving chest, listening to the sound of the heartbeat that would soon end.

"We will fall in love all over again," Himeko whispered. "Don't worry, Chikane. You'll find me."

Chikane laughed as she scooped Himeko off the floor and began carrying her lithe body towards their bedroom. "Perhaps."

Himeko pouted. "No perhaps. Always yes. Forever."

* * *

She stole quietly from the kitchen to their bedroom, her bare feet padding silently on the wooden floors. She didn't want to wake the sleeping Himeko. Not yet; not ever.

Their bedroom door creaked open too noisily for her liking, and for a moment, she believed she'd almost been caught. Himeko groaned in her sleep and turned over, exposing her tender white throat that turned into prominent collarbones, soft breasts, breakable ribs. Chikane sighed. How easy her Himeko was making it to do the what she needed. It was almost as if she knew. Chikane smiled - connected as always, weren't they?

The floorboards were frigid and she wanted more than anything to drop all pretence of determination and fall into bed with Himeko and cry and sob until she fell asleep. But that would not happen tonight. Tonight, she was taking matters into her own hands and ensuring things would happen as _she _wanted them to happen.

Though she didn't want to admit it, she was afraid. That day, so many centuries ago when she had first met Himeko, she had never known the meaning of fear. All she knew was Himeko's hand in hers, hours together playing in the rose garden, the sun setting her best friends hair aflame as it died behind the trees. But life - _lives - _had taught her to be frightened.

Time seemed to be moving so slowly and too quickly all at once. Chikane felt as though she were moving through water; each step she took was laboured and weighed down, but before she knew it, she was standing at Himeko's side, watching her breathe peacefully. A small smile caressed her lips, perhaps with some sweet dream of a life different than the one they were leading. Against her better judgement, Chikane set down the sacrificial knife she was carrying and knelt down and placed a soft, shy kiss on Himeko's lips. "I love you, my sunshine," she whispered. Still asleep, Himeko smiled more.

Now was the time. She'd said her farewell. Chikane hefted the knife from the floor and raised it over Himeko's heart, directly above the sun sign. This was it; it was time.

It was time to say goodbye.

* * *

**All reviews are most certainly appreciated. Thank you for reading. **

**Madeline**


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